Impossible Is Nothing

I've been allowing the World Cup "Soccer" experience to marinate before putting fingers to keyboard. Now the group stages are over I think I'm ready to share what it's like to be here while the world's biggest party takes place over in Europe.

To be fair, it's been far better than I thought. For the first time TV networks are showing every World Cup game and as a result interest is high. I know plenty of American's caught up in "the fever". I've stood in bars with locals who had no clue what was going on but were quite happy to shout and cheer with the rest of us. Crowds gather in Times Square for games on the big screens. Even the press have got the hang of berating their own players and manager - it's only a matter of time before the coach is filmed in a hotel room taking bribes from an Arab sheikh. But at the end of the day we can't forget that this is a nation that once hosted the tournament and gave the impression that they didn't quite know what they had signed up for; where, during that '94 opening ceremony, Diana Ross kicked a penalty at an open goal from all of 4 yards - her miss put women's football back twenty years; and where they have introduced an amalgamation of grating sporting lexicon into their commentary:
"That stretches Germany's shutout streak to 281 minutes as their dE-fense continues to dominate."
"The USA have fallen O and eight in World Cup play in Europe."
"He's fouled him inside the eighteen yard zone but it should never be a penalty..."
"The score here, one to nothing."
"It's finished two-zip in this game."
"Michael Bollock [Ballack] has had at least five good strikes on goal."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we're going into overtime!"

And, like the news, it's not too easy to hear what's going on within the other squads. The focus is firmly on the US team. I can't help but think back to '94, there must have been a hell of a surprise when 32 teams turned up at the airport, "Yeah I know it's a World Cup but our World Series baseball involves only one nation... well two if you include that team from Toronto."
I'm sorry Americans, you've got to understand that the rest of us become football snobs when we watch here.

But it has been interesting. At the end of the day New York's the melting pot within the world's largest melting pot. There are bars in the city affiliated to every team in the tournament. The British pubs are obviously busy for any game, those in Little Korea draw in red shirted fans for their matches - high pitched squeals with every chance, goal and near miss. The blue shirted French take over the hip bistros and cafes shouting and gesticulating at any play that falls short of perfectection. Manhattan's restaurant kitchens seem to rely on workers from Ecuador, there wasn't much food being served when their games were on. For the Italy/USA match last weekend every bar in Soho was spilling onto the street. It's all sporadic and focused in specific places but you know it's on. That's not to say I wish I wasn't home - there's nothing like a World Cup in England during the summer, when the country blooms red and white. I can imagine the flags hanging from bedroom windows, on the cars, vans, lorries and buses. The mad dash from work to meet friends for the game,

the roars and cheers coming from the pubs; those great commercials on TV as you're heading to the bar at halftime and can hear a charasmatic Cantona, or the chubby Pedro laughing when Jose picks Beckenbauer for his team. That Adidas tagline would have me believe otherwise but I think we all know it's going to be harder than it's ever been for England this tournament.

I'll leave you with this one bit of video. We also get to enjoy Spanish commentary here. This confirms that the South Americans are unbeatable not just on the football field but off it too. A superb team goal and some fantastic commentary that wouldn't be out of place in an opera (you certainly don't need to speak Spanish to appreciate it).

There's nothing to see here people. Move along.

If you're a terrorist looking to get away for a break and you're considering a visit to the States then, according to those that run the nation, you're more likely to be vacationing in Omaha or Louisville than in New York. Apparently, as far as the Apple goes, there's nothing to do or see here and you would be hard pushed to find a national monument or anything of significant importance to target.

I thought my biggest hurdle, as far as apocalyptical scenarios went, was getting through Tuesday. Posters, billboards, the morning news - all pretty much guaranteed that June 6, 2006 would be the last diary entry that any of us would be making. I wore clean underwear and shaved. Imagine my surprise when I went to bed on Tuesday night and woke up on Wednesday morning. It would seem that Lucifer's chosen to outsource much of his work of late and who can blame him? He can afford to let 6/6/06 slip by because he knows that with the current administration at the helm all he need do is sit back and sip Bloody Marys. The latest brainwave out of Washington? To cut security funding to New York by 40%. Bloody brilliant. It's not as if I wasn't looking for suspicious characters on the subway before. How did they came to this decision? By ranking a region on how many national monuments or treasures it had. So how in Hades did New York see a cut in funding? Well, let's just say that the midterm elections are coming up and some of the places that saw an increase in spending are marginal seats for the Republicans.

But enough of my jibber-jabber, let me hand you over to the only purveyor of sense left here for a bit more on the subject. Mr Jon Stewart ladies and gentlemen...

(Click on Jon)

(If you have a pop-up blocker just follow the instructions that, well, pop-up at the top.)

Caffeine-lite

I’m just about familiarised with hearing the “grande vanilla skimmed latte” or “tall two shot with soy” type coffee orders, but the one I overheard this afternoon came right out of leftfield:

“I’ll take a decaf espresso.”

I kid you not. The equivalent of driving a Porche through LA I guess.

It’s been an interesting few days.

Apartment hunting I found an ad posted by a group of actors who actually turn their theatre loft into an informal motel when they’re not performing. Black theatre curtains pinned around blow-up mattresses serve to separate the “rooms”.

Standing in a rather nice hotel room earlier this week it was pointed out to me that the floor was sloping. Sitting in my rather pokey office I have noticed that my chair has a strong desire to roll towards the door. It strikes me that the island of Manhattan may well be subsiding.

My more immediate worries are with the Old Testament-like floods we’re in the midst of. The spectacular lightning and thunder that entertained us last night have rumbled on into today. 4 inches of rain later and Fox 5 News have mobilised their reporters to the streets. Statements to passers-by like, “You’re really wet there! Were you at all prepared for this?”
“Yes, I thought it might rain today,” replies the lady wrapped up snugly in her yellow waterproof poncho. Fox News – where pictures need a thousand words.

The bad weather actually caused a Learjet to crash into the Long Island Sound this afternoon. It turns out that the plane is owned by Pat Robertson. Pat’s a television evangelist. I think Pat may also be filching from the collection bowl.

And finally, travelling out on the Long Island Rail Road today the train rolled through what has to be my favourite place name to-date: Hicksville, NY. Population 41,260 and every one of them proud of their town. Well I presume they were proud of it because there’s a 200ft water tower there with the words “Hicksville District” emblazoned across it for all in neighbouring Syosset to see.

Perhaps the folk back in the city see it another way, “New Yorkers had a horrid way of making people feel like hicks” (Louis Auchincloss). You're not kidding, they just named a town after them.

I was going to wrap it there but on the TV as I write is ABC’s Nightline and I see we've managed to export the obsequious Martin Bashir out to present it. I’m thinking that Bashir has been refused entry back into the UK after his ego-inflating exclusive reports finally galled enough people to extinguish his career for good. He’s obviously found a niche here reporting on banalities as this evening is being spent talking about a food survey that has uncovered this amazing fact: the average American consumes one-third of their daily calories from food prepared outside of the home. I’m thinking that eating lunch at work satisfies that statistic nicely.
Drink up that hot iced-tea Martin, Fox 5 is calling.