I Predict A Riot

It’s going to take a while before I wean myself off BBC America. Endless episodes of Cash In The Attic, Bargain Hunt, Flog It!, and Homes Under The Hammer. A perpetual supply of daytime TV from back home pumped out for TV auction addicts here. However, it’s not the stream of fake-tanned hosts, bumper cash prizes of £24 and plummy English accents that I tune in for. BBC America also serves up the news – world news. North, East, West and South – that’s where the word comes from, all encompassing. (Actually, that’s a lie. It comes from the plural of new, but that’s not as much fun). Unfortunately the American news networks don’t use the same compass and finding an impartial round-up of global events is somewhat difficult. Unrest in Lebanon will more likely be referring to Lebanon, Tennessee than Lebanon, World. It’s no revelation though. In fact it’s a running joke exploited on Comedy Central by the satirical news program, The Daily Show, for which one of their taglines run, “More people get their news from The Daily Show... than probably should” and as one pundit has written, “I recommend you skip the national news and get your updates here.” Let me just say this, the Television Critics Association actually awarded it the “Outstanding Achievement in News and Information” award in 2004… a bad year for the real news networks I think you’d agree.

Let me take a “time out” (when in Rome). I’ve been puckering up to write about news and politics. The “I Predict A Riot” title was my nice link from the Kaiser Chiefs song (as they’ve just appeared on the 2006 Brit Awards which is on BBC America as I write) to some of the riotous demonstrations that have been going on around the country this week over the tightening of immigration laws. A tenuous link, I admit. However, the insanities that surround US policy-making are a can of crazy worms that I don’t think I’m quite ready to dive into yet. But, as The Brits has been going on in the background I notice that I’ve been channel hopping a hell of a lot. There’s a commercial break every ten minutes. I watched a film on TV the other night, with an original running time of about 2hrs this movie ran to almost three with the breaks - you can pretty much watch two programs simultaneously by hopping back and forth during them. You also find yourself scrolling around the listings every thirty minutes – going through 159 channels only to end up back where you started. I cannot begin to comprehend the sheer volume of nothingness that exists in the airwaves. The phrase “quality not quantity” is one that’s too short and succinct for cable television.
When it comes to advertising I like to think I’m a tough nut to crack – pretty sceptical and wised-up to the subtle tactics that advertises use to slip in under the radar. However this week I’ve come to realise that they’ve found my Achilles heel: flat out repetitive bombardment. It’s chipping away at my firewall and I’m fearful. Already I want to call Geico where 15 minutes could save me 15% or more on my car insurance and, although I have no vehicle in the U.S., it may just be worth it for that offer; and if I get into an accident while driving not only will Geico save me hundreds of dollars but JG Wentworth will arrange my structured settlement which can be paid out over several years or as one single lump sum - get the cash I deserve, now!; I’ll rest up at home cleaning with my new Oreck vacuum cleaner - weighing less than a gallon of milk and with the sucking strength of a force 2 hurricane - and scrubbing effortlessly with the $60 worth of Miracle Stain bullets I received for just $9.99. Further employment shouldn’t be a problem either - by making my computer work for me I can look forward to making up to $5000 a week working as little or as much as I like - just by dialing 1-800- RIP ME OFF.
Binge an evening away with fast food and a movie and you’ll see half a dozen ways to lose the weight you’re invariably putting on: meals replaced with healthy, filling shakes; or revolutionary pills to take twice a day…before food; there’s even surgery if you need a quick fix.

Cable television is a dangerous world and it’s caught me somewhat off guard. The barrage I’ve taken from the commercial breaks alone has swollen my brain and as far as I can see there’s no miracle cure for that yet.

Maybe those protesters could pass by Time Warner on their rounds and push a few satellite dishes over. I really don’t see any other alternative.